What I'm Thinking About Right Now: Blowing my head off.

Long time no rant. Here I am. Completely miserable. So I'm having one of those times where my rationality says "hey maybe you don't need to be so upset" and my everything else is like I wanna bawl my eyes out till I'm dehydrated. Well, okay. Uh well pretty sure today has been the worst day of my life and shooting myself seems like a perfect option.

Over and out.

What I'm Thinking About Right Now: 3 Classes Down. 3 To Go.

Okay guys. This is it. I've finished all of my classes. So I don't have to go to campus and sit in class ever again. WOOO. I have one more take home final I have to do, write a paper maybe and one actual final on Tuesday. THIS IS IT. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

What I'm Thinking About Right Now: Man, I Just Want to Skate

The end of the semester is near, that means the end of my college career is almost here. I have two days of classes left, and I think two finals. And I'm completely done with college forever. Unless I decide (which I more than likely won't) to go to grad school. So naturally, all I can think about is putting my skates on. I had some other stuff I meant to wrote about. But other than being very, overwhelmingly stressed out. (Write this down because it never happens, and if it does I don't say it out loud.) I. Am. Happy. As a wise man once told me, "No reason, and no time for that garbage", so I'm officially taking out the trash.

What I'm Thinking About Right Now: Shitty Jobs Are Shitty.

Hi. It's thanksgiving and I'm at work. I'm getting paid to get yelled at by people that cause their own problems and blame them on me. This is my job. Getting yelled at consistently by people you couldn't give less of a shit about is startlingly mentally exhausting. Who knew? I've been trying to stay positive because all I ever hear is "I know you hate it. But is it really THAT bad?" My answer? Yes. Yes it is that bad. It's depressing looking around and seeing under educated drug addicts getting praised while I'm getting yelled at. How does that work? I've concluded this is a job where ignorance really is bliss. You do too many drugs to realize how stupid all these people are. It's okay. You'll all wake up someday. Also. Who knew getting a grown up job would be so difficult? Like, I just want to sit in your office Monday through Friday 9-5, shit I'll even do 8-5 at this point. Or 7 or 6 or 5. Give me 12 hour weekdays. But give me weekends off. It's crazy when you wake up one day and realize how miserable working weekends are. Especially when you work only weekends. Especially especially when every single meaningful person in your life has a day job and weekends off. Come on universe. I'm trying here.

What I'm Thinking About Right Now: Family, Secrets, Lies, and What to Do With Them.

I know this is the most cliche time of the year to sit and be like "I have a great family" but ya know, I kinda do. I have definitely had a super rocky past and my family life hasn't been really easy. But I made it, and as I grow up, I realize the things my mom has done for me. And how lucky I am that her and my grandma have been so supportive. I have fucked up a lot along the years, and that's really not something I can deny. That is one thing I can be absolutely certain of, and that may be the only thing I can say 100% truthfully. But, I'm stoked I was never into ICP.

Secrets. Are. Stupid. If you're gonna be a sketchball, please just be an open sketchball. No use in keeping secrets and then when you die they all come crawling out to haunt the people you've left behind. What do they do with them? So now, because you suck, these people are struggling to keep your secrets because you were too much of a coward to own up to them. Oh okay. Honesty is the best policy. Grow some balls.

Lies. See above I guess. I can't mentally fathom how it is possible to spin this web of lies and live in it. How do you keep all your lies straight? Do you forget who you pretended you were yesterday?

Most of all, lying and keeping secrets within families and relationships is unbelievable and takes an enormous amount of work, and has to take some crazy mental toll on you unless you are a complete sociopath. I lied to my mom about being tattooed once when I was 18, and that ate away at me until she found out. And I still feel guilty sometimes. How can people have families and relationships and have a completely other one on the side. Having one relationship and family is exhausting, I cant imagine having to juggle two and lying to both parties constantly.

What I'm thinking about right now: People who are miserable.

Okay, I would be lying if I said I was super stoked on life all the time. I may be relatively miserable sometimes. But it's okay. The point here: I'm not miserable ALL the time. There are too many people that completely depend on other people for their own happiness. When that person decides you're too miserable/clingy/needy/unhappy on your own, they're going to leave and you're going to be left like oh okay now what? Now, you're stuck being a crazy person that has no idea how to be alone. Now what? You go onto the next person and get all crazy with them and then they leave too. Surprise, it's a vicious cycle. I don't understand. I feel like I was this person once. But I woke up one day and was like "holy shit, this is what being independent and happy is like. WOAH."

Overall, I really think everyone should learn to be alone. And it's important to not only for yourself, but also for your significant other. No one is going to want to be around you if you're a crotchety bitch.

Entry #1. I ramble.

Well. Hello. I've been dabbling around with the idea of starting a blog for a long time, and it will probably wind up as me posting three things and giving up. But maybe not.


Probably.